This International Women's Day I am dedicating this blog to the women in my particular community, a group of women who may differ in many ways coming from all over the globe, different cultures, and religions but who have something huge in common. Most of us (but not all) moved because of our husband's jobs and most of us had to start all over again when we relocated. What I mean by starting again is that we had to pack up not just our belongings and say goodbye to family and friends as our working spouse did too but on top of that we also had to say goodbye to our own career aspirations, and life goals in our home countries so that our working spouse could further theirs in a new one. We also had to find out who we were in a brand new environment and where we would fit, in a brand new community. While a working spouse will retain some part of their identity, at least the part based on career and life goals since they are moving because of it. We also had to find ways to meet people and make friends and rebuild our social selves from nothing, whereas a workplace automatically gives one the chance to do this.
Quite simply; the effect of moving abroad for work on the non-working spouse is often under-considered and underestimated. The isolation can, at best, put a damper on what should be an exciting time of life and, at worst, be absolutely devastating and the effects of that can spiral, affecting mental health and how we engage with the people around us. Even as someone who has never been a stranger to moving house, town, meeting new people, or to traveling and adventures in general, the effect on me has been profound and has had me questioning many things. I know that I am not the only one and I also know that most of my readers are ex-pat women who may also be mums, who relocated due to their husband's careers. I wanted to share my experience of beating isolation and re-finding myself over the last couple of years, a process that is still ongoing.
Accept the emotions and let yourself feel them.
Whenever isolation begins be aware that it is more likely to be at a moment of quiet when you least expect it. When you find yourself able to stop, process, and think after the chaos that relocating to a new country unleashes on your life. That could be when you first arrive but it is more likely to be at that moment a few weeks or months later when the unpacking is done, the working spouse is finding their feet in their new job, the kids are at school and everything on the face of it is looking as if everybody settled in well. It could even begin after a few years of relocation but suddenly the last of the kids are at school and the house is quiet and it is just you, left alone with your thoughts not sure who you are or what to do with yourself anymore and not having the same opportunities at this stage that you would have had in your home country. Being aware of your feelings and accepting them and giving them space, talking about them if possible will help you move through them in a healthy way and find something more fulfilling in the long term to curb that isolation rather than just jumping into the first thing to take your mind off it.
Think about what you want in life.
Purpose is really important for us as humans but things can change a lot. It is ok to change our minds with regards to our life purpose and career goals. We do not always need to pick up where we left off. Relocating and changes in circumstances can be a great opportunity to change your mind or take a different path. Sometimes as women, mothers, wives we lose ourselves to the point we don't even know what we want or what makes us happy anymore. Take some time to just sit with yourself, to move slowly and mindfully through the discomfort of not having something to do. Breathe and get to know yourself the way you would if you met someone new. Ask yourself questions such as what would you like to do with your life? What do you really enjoy doing? What are the things you wish you could do? Do you have any regrets? Would you like to learn something new? What do you need more of/less of in your life? I find a good way to get to the bottom of what I really want is to think, if there were no obstacles at all what would I be doing with my life?
If that is all too difficult then answer this; when are you at your happiest? Now start with that.
Meet new people.
Meeting new people can open our minds to endless ideas and possibilities. New friends can teach us to look at things from a different angle and help us grow as women and find out who we really are. It is especially great to get to know people who may be from a different country, upbringing, cultural or ethnic background, or different religion as all of these factors can shape who we are and our opinions. Relocation to a new country offers a unique opportunity to meet people who are different from us in some way. It also gives us the chance to travel or learn about the history and culture of our host country, another way to broaden our horizons. When actively trying to meet people think about what you want to bring to your life, if you want play dates with kids then seek out mums at school and parks, if you want conversation with different perspectives look to join a class or group that might work for you, if you want company then coffee mornings or women's groups might be the place to make friends.
Take Action.
Find something fulfilling to do. It's ok if the process is trial and error. You might spend some time just trying out some new classes or groups. Do you want to achieve something particular or learn a new skill? if so then look for classes or online education. There may be jobs available to you that you hadn't previously considered. If you want to be active in your community then seek out volunteer opportunities or gaps where your existing skills and personality might be a good fit. If the opportunities don't exist then why not be brave and start a group yourself? Use the time to work on things you didn't have the chance to do before, increase fitness or read more, for example, watching some Netflix series or going out for coffee more. Remember alone doesn't have to mean lonely and the most important thing to fight isolation isn't necessarily that you have other people around you but that you actively decide how you want to fill your time. It can help to get out of the house and have a change of scenery. If you haven't already found them then local Social media groups are usually the best way to find the groups, classes, other people, and opportunities that you need. Just start by keeping your eyes and ears open and getting out of the house. Often one thing leads to another.
I hope this post helps a little as I know it is hard to know where to start when you find yourself a little lost or isolated. Please also know that many women are out there feeling just like you so go on, get out and meet them. I would also like to add that if you or someone you know feels in a deep dark hole that is very hard to get out or showing signs of depression: (https://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/detecting-depression )
please seek some professional help too from your doctor.
I read a quote once and it has been really helpful to me in my life when facing change or feeling a little lost;
Happiness is something to Love, something to do, and something to hope for.
Did you know that I am currently writing a novel? It is a fictional story based in Saudi Arabia and covers some of the issues talked about in this blog. If you are interested in receiving updates about my book or my Saudi-related thoughts and adventures please sign up for my mailing list. I will only ever share the most important updates.